My Letter to Focus on the Family
Hi,
I am a long time listener and supporter of Focus on the Family. From the time I was a teenager, I listened to and from school and college, collecting much wisdom for the path ahead of me. A strange thing for a teen to do, I guess. But, I truly love the Lord, and wanted His best for my future. I hold a high respect for Dr. James Dobson and his marriage advice. I’ve been very happily married for almost ten years.
However, when I had my first child, Dr.Dobson’s advice nearly broke my heart. I’d always assumed I’d spank, and followed his advice for my spirited 2 year old. I cannot express to you in words how wrong it felt. The spirit of God was convicting me, and this precious son, whom I’d nursed for 21 months, and had continued a very close, in-synch relationship with, even through the addition o a new baby, when he was 28 mos….become afraid and distrustful of me. Not only that, it wasn’t working to improve his behavior. He fit the bill for “strong-willed”, certainly. But, could he be beyond hope, since the very method tailored to his personality wasn’t working?
With much prayer, my husband and I began to research other discipline methods. I came across gentlechristianmothers.com in my search, and discovered some very eye-opening statements about Biblical discipline.
Out son is now 4 yrs old. We are complimented often, at church, by family and friends, and even by strangers, on how happy and well-behaved our children seem. Life is not perfect, and he’s not a perfect child. But, we are a much more peaceful, loving family since learning to discipline with the Grace of Jesus.
What I see lacking on your website is acknowledgement that these verses in Proverbs may not mean what we think they mean. You can do the research yourself and find that there are many reasons to doubt that these are commands to hit children. More than likely, they are wise principles for being a constant source of authority for our children. The OT has many things to say that are covered under grace. Another good example is the treatment of women caught in adultery. We all know how Jesus chose to react. This should be the ultimate example, among many in the NT, of how to apply grace.
I write this because the advice from Dr. Dobson about strong willed children is at worse, very dangerous advice for new parents. And, at the very least, it is impractical and unecessary. I say dangerous because it’s using God’s Word to convince parents they must hit their children. I believe there are FAR more Biblical principles we can apply to child discipline, besides a few commonly misunderstood proverbs, written by a king who ended his life in such disgrace against God, and was held with such irreverence by his own sons (Solomon). Let’s instead apply the wisdom of Christ, Himself. How did He disciple? How did He view children? What principles of love, forgiveness, reproof, and correction can we glean from the NT church?
I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind completely about spanking. It is so ingrained in our culture, most people don’t think twice about NOT doing it, as I once thought. However, I hope my letter will at least open the eyes of Focus on the Family and it’s wide-spread influence, to impact the world with Christ’s love.
My husband and I have experienced a total life change, and it has not been easy in the face of criticism. But, thus far, it has been one of the best decisions of our young life. It is my prayer that one day, Dr. Dobson will realize his mistake and change his heart on this subject.
Many Prayers,
(My Real Name)
I’ll keep you posted if I receive a reply.
Thank you for doing this. <3
gg
This sounds just like my views at the beginning of parenthood! We now have 5 children and I have decided that spanking is not the godly way to deal with children’s misbehavior now. However my husband still insists that it is biblical and he does practice it. He is upset by my change of beliefs on this and wants me to use spanking on the kids and so this makes life difficult at times. I just can no longer wrap my head around Jesus ever treating His children like that! It was His disciples who needed a lesson on showing respect for the children! Did Jesus take those little ones over His knee and give them a spanking? No, He placed His hands on their heads and BLESSED them! Just for a moment, imagine Jesus raising His hand and striking a child… Is this really Him? Does that look holy? Where is the kingdom of God in that? Where are the fruits of the Holy Spirit? Where is the freedom in Christ? Where is the love of God that is like 1Cor13:4?
My dh thinks I am applying liberal psychology when I don’t get “tough” with our children – that I have a worldly mindset in my parenting beliefs. But I know that for my own relationship with God, because of my tendency towards legalistic and performance-based thoughts, I need to be living under grace, not with a punitive, spanking value system, or else I wander away from God in my heart because I feel that God is not pleased with me – if that makes sense?
May I repost, in full, on my blog? This is, quite possibly, the most eloquently written composition on this subject (specifically the Biblical aspect of the subject) that I have ever read.
Thank you.
Angie
http://nogreaterjoychildren.wordpress.com
Absolutely! Feel free to share.
Thank you for your kind words.
[...] Grace [...]
Thank you for writing in! I did too – the response I got was not from Dobson but one of his underlings who said “OH, Dr Dobson would never …” I wrote from the perspective of a “strong willed” child – fyi, now adults our family was destroyed by the violence – my brother is an alcoholic, sister a bully, and I’ve had to have years of therapy .. I am no longer in contact with my parents who quoted Dobson to us all the time as they continued in their violence.
From reading his literature it seems to be Dobson was abused himself & misery loves company. Not only that but he appeals to abusive types who hunger for control. I know two people with NPD who love Dobson.. btw, his “pinching” technique is illegal in many States.
I recently read that the closest thing to New Testament parenting is Jesus with the disciples. So that’s what I look now. So wonderful to hear that you’ve spared your child from the tainted view of God & mental health issues faced by my family thanks to Dobson’s teachings.
I agree that Dobson’s work is almost certainly an attempt to excuse the abuse he endured as a child.
Instead of recognizing his own need for healing, Dobson has perpetuated the abuse cycle by using the same methods that were used on him.
That would be bad enough, but setting himself up as an authority on parenting (instead of a man fortunate to survive abusive parenting), has spread the false teachings & the cruelty to children to generations of Christians who have swallowed him hook, line, & sinker, as “the” authority.
But there is only one Authority. And He did not tell us to beat & intimidate others. Instead, He died on a cruel cross in our place…..There is the example we must needs follow.
God bless all here.
[...] Parenting wrote a Letter to Dr. James Dobson. It is a lovely letter, you should take a look at it. In it she gives a testimony of how his [...]
Finally, like minded Christian Mom’s that have a New Testament approach to Parenting. My son is 4 months old and the new mom’s groups at the church have this barbaric approach to parenting. It’s just a sigh of relief that not all mom’s believe that way. It is sad that the Church who should be leading Jesus to other people don’t even research Child Development and look at it at the perspective from the New Testament. It feels like you are alone if you don’t “smack” your child. However, we don’t spank and we are very opinionated about our beliefs! Keep doing the right thing!
Thank you, thank you.