Battlefield

Their response:

Thanks for your e-mail, [addressed me by first name]

It was good of you to contact us with your thoughts on the subject of spanking. We appreciate your sharing specifically from your personal experience as a mother. Honest feedback like yours is always welcome here at Focus headquarters. Because of the importance of your concerns, we want you to know that we’ve asked our professional staff of licensed therapists what they would advise in response to inquiries like yours. Here’s what they wanted us to pass along to you.

We are familiar with philosophies of discipline that regard corporal punishment as inappropriate under any circumstances. With all due respect, we find them to be unbalanced and reflective of a fundamental misunderstanding. As we see it, the key to effective child discipline is the implementation of immediate, significant, and consistent consequences. When delivered in the right way, a spanking can serve as a meaningful negative consequence in cases of undesirable behavior.

It goes without saying that child abuse is a very real and persistent problem in contemporary society. In no way do we wish to minimize or make light of this tragic situation. At the same time, we would insist that corporal punishment in the hands of a caring parent is altogether different in purpose and practice. Rather than an expression of hostility, it is an act of love by which harmful behavior is inhibited.

We’ll go further and suggest that the perspective which excludes spanking altogether or uses it as an absolute last resort may inadvertently contribute to violence against children. During the early stages of a conflict, when parental emotions are under control, corporal punishment may easily be applied with restraint, love, and good sense. But a parent who is denied the use of this tool during this phase of the confrontation may find that irritation, frustration, and anger increase as the problem continues unresolved. The result may be an uncontrolled explosion of emotion, leading to physical abuse.

The key is to avoid extremes on either side. Control must always be balanced with love. Too much or too little discipline can have a serious effect on a child. When in doubt, it’s generally safe to take the route closest to the “middle of the road.” It should be obvious that spanking for the slightest disobedience is not “the middle of the road;” it is a dangerous detour.

It’s vital to add that a spanking is not the only tool that’s useful for shaping a child’s will, nor is it appropriate at all ages or in all situations. It tends to be most beneficial — and necessary — when a child is under 3 and a half years of age. That’s because reasoning and taking away privileges simply don’t work with very young children. With kids from three to five years of age, parents can use spanking and time out as part of a comprehensive discipline plan, but they should also begin to work with other types of consequences, such as taking away privileges. If mom and dad rely solely on one method, it will become less and less effective as a child grows and matures. For many school-aged children, the removal of pleasures or privileges is actually more “painful” than a spanking.

However, when it comes to a strong-willed child, it’s vital to remember that every child with this type of temperament is unique. That’s why there is no single book or parenting program, no comprehensive curriculum package, no one individual’s advice that can solve all the discipline problems and provide all the answers you need. In the final analysis, it all comes down to finding the energy to hang in there, stick to your guns, and win your battles one day and one step at a time. We are glad that you and your husband found an approach that worked well with your son.

Generally speaking, we take the view that corporal punishment should be applied only in cases of willful disobedience or defiance of authority — never for mere childish irresponsibility. In no instance should it be administered harshly or capriciously. We also believe that spankings are not appropriate for children younger than 18 months old. Conversely, spanking an adolescent is almost always a serious mistake.

If you need further information, feel free to call our Counseling Department Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). Our counselors would be more than happy to discuss your concerns with you over the phone.

We hope this reply has been helpful. Thanks again for caring enough to contact us. We always appreciate hearing from our Focus friends. Don’t hesitate to let us know if we can be of any further assistance. God bless you and yours!